Or did he? Hermione tells her daughter that she wrote the letter to manipulate Veronica into testifying on her father’s behalf. She’d been all ready to welcome her father back home, she explains, until he sent her that letter threatening her mother if she didn’t obey him. But as much as Hiram might want to be a happy family again, Veronica is doing her best to avoid her dad, whom she still suspects had something to do with Fred’s shooting (which he vociferously denies). “ Daddy?!” Kevin and Betty say, with a strong undertone of zaddy. (Side note: I would gladly pay a 200 percent markup to go to a Death Diner.)Īs Betty pitches Kevin and Veronica her idea for a throwback fundraiser to save Pop’s, Hiram bursts into the school newspaper office with a bouquet in his arms. Someone graffitied “DEATH DINER” on the Chock’lit Shoppe, his entire staff has quit, and he’s considering selling the business to the aptly named liquor store chain Chugmo. Could the killer, whoever he is, be targeting the people Archie cares about?Īrchie and his dad aren’t the only ones suffering in the wake of the shooting. Sheriff Keller reveals that Miss Grundy’s abusive ex-husband isn’t a suspect because he has a solid alibi. She was strangled with a cello bow - very possibly the one Archie gave her as a gift.
What if it wasn’t, though? What was Archie going to do? As Reggie correctly observes, “Only a dumb-ass lunatic brings a baseball bat to a gunfight.” Archie’s quality of life declines yet again when the principal announces that former Riverdale High music teacher and statutory rapist Miss Grundy has been murdered. He tackles him, only to discover it’s Reggie, making his delivery and generally being a jerk. In late-night watchdog mode and a baseball bat at his side, Archie spies a masked figure creeping up to his backdoor. Let Riverdale Make You Uncomfortable With a Cover of Kelis’s ‘Milkshake’ Wanna try jingle jangle, a new drug with an even more ridiculous name than Glint on Strangers With Candy? He just sold some to Midge Klump, who is wearing what I can only describe as a wig modeled after Shirley MacLaine’s hairstyle in The Apartment. Newly recast Reggie (who, thank God, is still very cute), an enterprising young drug dealer, offers him a whole menu of uppers to help keep him awake. Is this really his plan? Just do this forever and never sleep? Archie is so dumb. Meanwhile, Archie can’t stop dozing off while guarding the house, in case the Green-Eyed Man should return to finish the job. The surviving Blossoms just want to put their (many) family tragedies behind them, as soon as possible. fry in the electric chair than publicly forgive him. Betty may be family to them, but she’d sooner F.P. Still-recovering Penelope is a vision of hagsploitation glory, in a jeweled silk turban and matching robe over lace and gauze. Those arrangements always end well, don’t they?īetty and Jughead pay a visit to Cheryl and her mother at their new home, Thistlehouse, to ask for their cooperation. No charge for the advice, she tells Jughead, but she might need a favor in return one day. She explains that F.P.’s best shot is if the victim’s family forgives him in front of the judge. One of the Serpents suggests Jughead seek the services of “snake handler” Penny Peabody, the gang’s covertly tattooed attorney who operates in the backroom of a tattoo parlor. (Welcome to the club, Mark Consuelos.) Speaking of, Skeet Ulrich is back, baby!įaced with charges like arson, destruction of evidence, and that messy matter of dumping Jason Blossom’s corpse in Sweetwater River, F.P.’s court-appointed lawyer strongly encourages his client to take an unappealing plea deal: 20 years in prison. The youthful sexiness of Riverdale’s main ensemble rightly gets a lot of attention, but I don’t want us to overlook the veritable Justice League of Hot Dads that the show has managed to assemble.
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